


Sea Dad's Seven

by eldritch_tupperware



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Movie: Ocean's Eleven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritch_tupperware/pseuds/eldritch_tupperware
Summary: Zolf has a heist to plan and a mission this big requires the right team.
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Zolf Smith, Sasha Racket & Zolf Smith, Zolf Smith & Oscar Wilde
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	1. Oi, Sasha!

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be added as more characters appear.

If there was one thing Zolf was good at it was estimating his own skills. This time he was more than sure that his mission was far beyond both his skill set and pay grade. He was used to receiving difficult and demanding jobs from his employer, after all he was one of their most experienced agents. But this time the Meritocrats had presented him a nearly impossible task. Not only was he meant to break into one of the most secure vaults in Britain, it also had to be owned by Barret goddamn Racket.  
It was out of question to manage the heist on his own but he didn't want to ask the Meritocrats for help either. Their other agents were as competent as Zolf himself, the only problem was that Zolf had never worked with any of them for more than a day. This kind of mission required someone he could trust and he didn't need to think a lot about where to start.

'Oi, this is Sasha's voicemail, I have no idea how you got this number but it better be something important. Leave a message, I guess' , a familiar voice sounded from Zolf's phone. He was the one who had convinced Sasha to get a mobile phone in the first place but she always kept it off when she was in public so Zolf wondered why he had even bothered.  
'Hi Sasha, Zolf here. I've got some news I'd like to discuss with you, so please call back or just come over I guess.'  
About ten minutes later Zolf had already flipped his phone open again to answer her call  
'Hey Zolf, you wanted to talk 'bout something?', She said, not bothering with small talk at all.  
‘Yeah, I've got a new job. The Meritocrats want me to break into Barret's vault and...', he began to explain.'

'I'm in'

‘I didn't even ask you yet‘, he remarked even though he was relieved that he didn't have to do too much talking.  
'What else would you want from me? You know I hate him more than anything else and I'm good at being sneaky and stuff'  
'I trust you, that's why I ask. And, yes, your skills are also quite useful. Of course you'll also get quite a lot of money out of it if we are successful.'  
'Sounds good, I already said I'm in, don't need to persuade me. Just tell me when you've got a plan. You know where to find me', she said before hanging up without waiting for any response.  
Zolf let out a chuckle. With Sasha there really wasn't much beating around the bush. If only the rest of the mission turned out to be that easy.


	2. Just like old times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zolf recruits the third member of his team. Luckily he doesn't need to put too much effort into persuading them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise this is going anywhere but at least it gives me an excuse to rewatch Ocean's 11.

* * *

The concierge already expected Zolf and led him to the elevator while assuring him that Mister al-Tahan was waiting for him.  
After the awkward silence of the elevator ride Zolf found himself in a large loft apartment.  
'Ah Zolf, it's so good to see you again!', a familiar voice sounded from the sitting area. Hamid greeted him with a pat on the shoulder which he somehow pulled off without it being awkward. Zolf quietly appreciated that Hamid had finally caught up to his dislike for hugs and joined him on the sofa.  
The Halfling had prepared a charcuterie board and drinks for them and Zolf noticed a suspicious gap in the cheese section. Judging by it's size Hamid was expecting a small family for dinner. Modesty had after all never been his strong suit.  
The atmosphere and interior of the flat only caused Zolf to be reminded of how different his and Hamid's life still were. At least Hamid had shown the decency to dress casually which meant that he was only wearing a two-piece suit without a tie instead of his usual three-piece.  
'Thanks for coming over. Make yourself at home', he said gesturing to the food.  
'Thanks Hamid, great to see you too. I appreciate your hospitality but there's something important I need to ask you', Zolf said in a tone maybe more serious than necessary.  
'Sure, ask away', Hamid assured him, a bit less enthusiastic than before.  
'How much do you know about Barett Racket's vault?'  
'Oh the hotel? Well it's quite ostentatious, especially with the name but I've only heard good things about it. The lobster there is supposed to be worth a visit.'  
'I don't care about the hotel, the vault inside it what do you know about it?', Zolf asked trying not to sound impatient. Only Barett would be arrogant enough to not only place his private vault within his hotel's casino but also name the hotel after it.  
'Sorry, my mistake. I've heard quite a lot about it. My father helped building it a few years back. it's actually very similar to the system our banks use but much more profound. Why do you ask?', Hamid was now beginning to sound more sceptical.  
'So you could potentially explain how it works?', Zolf wanted to make sure before explaining himself. He had of course known how the bank had been involved in the matter but didn't want to risk upsetting Hamid through spying on his family and their business.  
'It would take me about the rest of the day but yes, I remember it quite well. My father was very proud of the cooperation so it was the only thing he talked about for about a month.'  
'Great, that's more than I could have wished for. The reason I'm asking you all this is that the Meritocrats gave me the task of breaking into Barret's vault. We both know there's no way I can do that on my own so I'm asking you for help. I already talked to Sasha, she's in', Zolf explained while watching confusion spread on Hamid's face.  
'They want you to what? That's basically suicide Zolf! I mean, you're great at your job, one of the best, but Barrett's vault? That's impossible, even for you!', Hamid exclaimed in the high pitched tone he always used when he was agitated, 'What do they want out of hisvault anyway?'  
'There are rumors that Barett stole a certain ancient artefact, Hannibal's circlet of command. I'm sure you know more about it than I do with your background and education. To put it short the Meritocrats think that Barett owning that thing is too much of a potential threat so they need to get involved', Zolf continued explaining and judging by Hamid's expression he knew all to well what he was talking about, ' It's your choice if you want to join me but my chances of succeeding are much better with you on my team.'  
'Of course I'll help you Zolf. That's out of question. I'm just concerned about you, or us I guess', Hamid assured him, his usual compassion returning to his voice.  
'Thanks, I really appreciate it. I really need people I can rely on for this so there's no one better than you and Sasha', Zolf said now far more relaxed.  
'Sure, it will be just like old times'  
They both sat in silence for a while, quietly reminiscing.  
'Who else do you want to have on the team?', Hamid broke the silence.  
'Haven't really decided yet'  
'Come on, we both know who to ask. I know you think he's annoying but there's no one else with his skills we could ask. And he has all the necessary contacts', Hamid pleaded.  
'Annoying doesn't even begin to do him justice. But yeah, guess I have no other choice', Zolf agreed, 'Well, I've got phone calls to make then. It was great seeing you again. I'll make sure to let you know if there are any new developments.'  
Zolf picked up one last piece of bread from the, by now, nearly empty platter before leaving. Somehow Hamid had managed to eat about half of it all by himself. Some things never changed, Zolf thought stepping out of the apartment complex.


	3. Just a humble journalist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zolf had dreaded this conversation and unfortunately Wilde turns out to be every bit as irritating as he supected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Pitbull voice* Mr WorldWilddde

The hotel Zolf found himself in was even more ostentatious than Hamid's flat. Much to his annoyance the staff did a small curtsey every time he passed. While finally entering the suite he had been led to Zolf wondered how he was going to survive the following conversation if he was already irritated beforehand. The man he was going to meet was after all his polar opposite but that was also the reason why he needed him on his team that badly.  
Oscar Wilde was stretched out on a chaise lounge in the very center of the room, apparently asleep. While Zolf was sure he was just feigning sleep to mock him he was also a bit relieved to see him get some rest for once.   
Wilde was dressed in a silver satin shirt that would have looked garish on any other person but suited him quite well. His hair, perfectly styled as always, was longer than Zolf remembered it and there was no way he had fallen asleep with it arranged that orderly.  
After clearing his throat several times in an increasing volume Zolf's patience had worn thin.  
'Wilde!', he nearly shouted at him.  
Finally Oscar opened his eyes, yawning dramatically while sitting up.  
'Oh Zolf, such a pleasure to see you. Why don't take a seat?', he said patting the cushion next to him. Zolf ignored his hand and sat down opposite to him.  
'Glad that we could meet that quickly. I've got a proposition to make and I'd rather discuss it with you in person', Zolf said and immediately regretted his choice of words when he saw Wilde's eyebrows go up.  
'The Meritocrats assigned me a mission I need help with, I'm asking you to join my team', he quickly added. Wilde had officially stopped working as a Meritocratic agent and had become more of a freelancer, like Hamid and Sasha, just that freelancer described wildly different jobs in for each of them. While Hamid had gotten more involved in the bank over time Sasha had continued to accept missions, this time from private customers and mostly treading the line of being illegal. Wilde himself worked mostly as a journalist and occasional playwright but Zolf suspected that some of his investigations were more thorough than his articles required them to be.  
'Zolf Smith asking me for help? I wonder how much trouble you are in to consider such drastic measures', Wilde said with feigned astonishment.  
'They basically want me to break into Barrett's vault, take the Circlet of Command and somehow get out alive enough to deliver it back to them. So, if you wanted to be dramatic, you could say I'm planning a heist against Barett Racket. Since that's nearly as impossible as getting you to shut up I need help.'  
'And how do you propose could Oscar Wilde, humble journalist and poet, possibly help you with that matter?'  
'Well, you've got contacts, know other people who fit into the team', Zolf suggested.  
'I see, that's all I am to you then, just a useful link to more important people', Wilde nagged, 'I'm afraid you'll have to give me a bit more than that Zolf.'  
The dwarf sighed in exasperation.  
'Fine then Wilde, I need you in particular for this job. You've got more experience with this sort of thing than anyone I know. More importantly you've got a lot of skills I honestly never had'  
'And those would be?', Oscar urged him to go on.  
'For a start you're good with people and a convincing actor. I've also worked with you long enough to know how ingenious your plans are and that you can delegate quite well. Hope that's enough buttering up for you', Zolf tried to get the words out as quickly as possible without sounding incoherent.  
'I could do this all day, you know? There's one more thing I'd like to know, if you have such a disdain for me as a person, why do you want to hire me anyway?', Wilde now seemed way too pleased with himself.  
'I already know I'll regret saying this, especially if you don't agree to the job but I don't actually hate you. I just get annoyed too fast sometimes', Zolf admitted.   
'How poetic of you, Zolf. Just to reassure you , I'm helping you with your mission, you don't need to worry about that. In fact Hamid already messaged me in advance and I told him he could count me in. There really wasn't any need to convince me but I appreciate the effort', Wilde said, giving Zolf a wink that made him want to punch the man's teeth in.   
'Just as much of a dickhead as I remember', Zolf muttered louder than he had intended to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was looking for a Wilde playlist and somehow found an audiobook in which Oscar Wilde and Mycroft Holmes solved cases together. I listened to about 10 minutes of it and it's every bit as cursed as you would expect  
> 0/10 would recommend


	4. Aeroplanes, Amsterdam and Artemis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilde is actually useful and effective for once and ensures a new addition to Zolf's team. Nevertheless he can't quite help himself and annoys Zolf anyway.

'So are you going to tell me why the hell we're on a plane to Amsterdam or what?', Zolf asked while sipping on a cup of tomato juice.

'I could tell you who we're going to meet but that would spoil all the fun', Wilde answered.

'You do realize you're the only one who enjoys this?'

'That's very much the point', Wilde grinned, swirling his drink.

'Could you at least tell me how you know this person?', Zolf inquired.

'I was their handler, worked with them nearly as long as with you, coming to think about it'

Grateful for at least one straight answer Zolf decided to push further:' And how do you know we can trust them?'

'Well why don't we just assume that, since you can trust me, everyone I consider worth involving in this is also trustworthy. Besides, I'm sure you will get along splendidly so why don't you just wait until you've actually met them?' 

\-----

Wilde led them through the central district of the city with surprising familiarity. Zolf had already lost track of all the canals they had crossed but Wilde seemed to know exactly where he was going, making it hard for Zolf to keep up with him. 

He finally slowed down when they reached a quieter side street. Seeing a clearly overpriced, unnecessarily pompous restaurant at the end of the street Zolf briefly feared that that was their destination. Instead Wilde simply sat down on a bench in front of an office building. 

They sat in silence for a while, simply watching the few passing strangers. Zolf just noticed the door of the office building behind them close when Wilde suddenly got up.

A small figure in a hoodie was approaching them, hands in their pockets. Taking of their hood two long, pointy ears sprang free.

'Grizzop, such a delight to see you', Wilde greeted him, putting hand on the goblin's shoulder which was immediately swatted away.

'Hi Wilde, wish I could say the same about you', Grizzop said, 'Who's that with you?'

'Allow me to introduce you both. Grizzop, that's Zolf Smith, Zolf, meet Grizzop drik acht Amsterdam', Wilde preempted Zolf.

'Oh, I remember you telling me about him. He's the one who gave you a headbutt, right?', a wide grin formed on Grizzop's face,

'Would've done that myself if I were taller. Had no choice but to aim a bit lower.' The grin now encompassed about half of his face.

Zolf decided he liked Grizzop instantly and offered him his hand. The goblin's hand was about half the size of his but his grip was surprisingly firm.

'Nice to see you too bonding over the shared privilege of getting to punch me but I believe we have something to discuss, so Zolf why don't...', Wilde said pretending to be offended.

'Gotta grab something to eat first, this is my only break and I'm not going to skip lunch for you. Want anything?', Grizzop interrupted him, pointing to a shop labelled 'Febo' in bold red letters. Zolf just nodded while Wilde politely declined.

It took Grizzop less than a minute to return with two vaguely sausage shaped, deep fried lumps from the automats which constituted the whole front of the shop. As he turned his back to Zolf he noticed the symbol of Artemis on his hoodie. It had been quite some time since he had last worked with a paladin. They mostly did whatever their patron defined as charity work so their jobs rarely overlapped with Zolf's. 

Not wanting to offend Grizzop he bit into what the goblin told him was called Kroket. Even though it looked a bit like somebody had thrown up and fried the result it tasted surprisingly good. 

'So, Wilde told me you had a job for me?' Grizzop mumbled in between bites.

'Yeah, unfortunately he wouldn't tell me anything about you so I have no idea what your specific job would be. I work for the Meritocrats, they told me to break into Barret Racket's vault, I need more people for the heist. Hope that doesn't violate your moral codex too much but I would really appreciate your help', Zolf summed up his situation.

'It's fine, Artemis hates that guy anyways. Heist sounds fun and I don't have that much to do at the moment anyway. I'm in', Grizzop assured him, 'when are we leaving?'

Zolf needed a moment to catch up with what Grizzop had said. He had already prepared a more thorough explanation of the mission in his head, thought of how to describe Hamid and Sasha. As was so often the case Wilde took the initiative and started talking before Zolf could say anything. 

'Our train takes off in four hours. I hope that's enough for you to sort things out at work and pack your bags', Wilde informed Grizzop, handing him a ticket.

'Sure thing, see you at the platform,'

Without waiting for a response Grizzop was already back in the office building, leaving Zolf baffled and Wilde way too pleased with himself. 

'So are you going to tell me how great I am now or are we saving that for later?'


	5. Expecting Explosions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zolf's recruitment efforts continue and Wilde has every right to be smug

Several hours later the three of them left their train in some German city Zolf had never heard of before. This time he hadn't given Wilde the satisfaction of asking him about his plans. It was already dark outside and Zolf was relieved to her that Wilde had booked three Hotel rooms in advance. The hotel was far above what his travel expenses covered but since Wilde payed for them and Zolf was far too tired to argue he didn't complain.   
The next morning he was woken up by the telephone ringing. An apologetic voice told him that Mister Wilde had requested a wake up call for 5 am and that they were to meet in the lobby.   
About half an hour later Wilde was the last one to arrive. He was also the only one who seemed both well-rested and cheerful even though Zolf suspected that the former involved the work of prestidigitation.   
Not bothering to explain himself Wilde led them out of the hotel and after about ten minutes of walking they reached a small lake. So far no other people had passed them on the streets but under the haze of a streetlight Zolf saw a tall figure. The mysterious atmosphere was quickly diminished by them waving enthusiastically at the group.  
'Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Celiquillithon Sidebottom, Alchemist and Engineer extraodinaire', Wilde said theatrically while shaking Cel's hand. They were a bit taller than him even though the almost vertical blonde hair added a lot to their height. Dressed in a long leather coat, combat boots and a bandolier with an excessive amount of pockets they somehow managed to combine style and practicality perfectly.  
'Thanks Wilde, but please just call me Cel, pronouns are they/them.' They introduced themselves, extending a hand to Zolf who stood closest.  
'Zolf Smith, Cleric of.... well Cleric. Thanks for meeting us', Zolf quickly said before Wilde felt the need to do it for him again.  
Grizzop, now much less sullen than just minutes before, quickly followed after Zolf: 'Grizzop drik acht Amsterdam, Paladin of Artemis',   
'Oh nice to finally meet you two, Wilde has told me lots about you on our missions.'  
After giving Wilde the opportunity to grin sheepishly at them Cel continued: ' I'd really love to talk with you about some of your missions, hear some stories, but my plain takes off in about an hour so please tell me why you wanted to meet me? You know you're really lucky I'm here at all. I'm only in Europe for a week, there's this guy here that collects rare mechanical parts and...  
sorry, too much talking on my part, just tell me about why you are here.'  
'Well Cel, my dear friend Zolf has been assigned a Meritocratic mission he is a bit overwhelmed with, so he needs our help', Wilde started to explain.  
'They want me to break into Barett Racket's vault, take the Circlet of Command. Apart from Grizzop Sasha and Hamid will help me as well, I'm sure Wilde has also told you about them', Zolf continued the briefing. Judging by how their eyes lit up when hearing the names, Cel was quite familiar with Zolf's team.   
'Sounds great, I mean almost impossible to do and extremely dangerous but great. What exactly do you want me to do?'  
'Of course our plan very much depends on who we manage to recruit but I'm sure it will involve explosions', Wilde remarked and grinned when he saw Cel‘s eyes light up even more.   
'Well, I kind of thought I would be in Japan for the next months but I also really don't like Barett, your mission sounds extremely exciting and I always wanted to work with you so I guess Jasper has to manage being on his own a bit longer.'  
Wilde yet again retrieved a ticket from the inside of his suit jacket :' That's what I wanted to hear. I suppose you already have all your things ready so it won't be a problem that we're flying back to London in two hours.'  
Zolf was relieved that Wilde had planned and predicted everything so smoothly but he already despised the thought of having to look at his smug face for the rest of the day.  
  
  



End file.
